November 4, 2003 - not whatever day I actually get this posted.
I have to say that I am disappointed. It happens more frequently than I usually admit. I try not to be disappointed. I am a perfectionist and try to be aware of my tendancy there and just let it all go, you know? There is so little I can actually control in this world. Why should I get as much say as I would like and who am I to say anything at all? Just because I think it should go a certain way means nothing. I have no more vision or insight than any other person. I gotta get my ego out of the equation. Yay. This is a constant learning and relearning for me.
So, tonight I had a presentation, a liturgy thang at Northern. It was a team project and one of the team did not come. Now, I could think badly of this person, but he had a great excuse. Kidney stones are no whining matter. He is ill. Still, no one told me and the third member of our team. We set up. We waited. We prayed. We were finally informed of what was going on with our cohort. We went through the service. It was a survival game for me. The class (our congregation) seemed so lost to me. It would have been such a great service. But, no, it sucked. Well, perhaps that is too strong a statement. I am just frustrated. We worked hard. Our sick cohort worked hard. All of his work is at home. Sigh.
So, what have I learned? I have learned that I still want it to be right godammit. I still want to smack people around and get this shit done all by myself if necessary. This is bad. This is not the way I want to function yet I still try from time to time. I have to constantly learn to let go. It is not my call. This is not my world. I do not control the universe. As much as I may want to, I cannot control anything. Usually this is an okay place for me. Not today.
If I controlled the universe, there would have been more camping equipment in our liturgy. Yes, I said camping equipment. It worked. Trust me. The class would have sung the Taize stuff with more contemplative gusto. The Magnificat would not have left them struggling. These struggles have nothing to with the classmates being Baptist (or Presbyterian, Episcopalian, and Methodist). It has to do with my inability to predict or control any outcome. I can try. I can think I have done something profound. And I can be wrong in all of this.
So, where is God? I dunno. Maybe God was in this worship. Jesus said "wherever two or three are gathered in my name." I get that. I just do not think that he was gathering us in order to have us stare at a bulletin blankly. Sigh.
Whine, whine, whine...
I owe a post to Hamaker. She asked a good question. I need to answer it. I know. Hold on, Cathy! I'll get there.
This week: Bonhoeffer, Bonhoeffer and more Bonhoeffer Matthew and some bizarre Christian moralism that I seem to be toting about recently The end of the Ethics of the Ekklesia.
Here is a question for you guys...well, several questions, really: Do you think God cares that the Bears have won two games in a row? Do you think that he cares about the Cubs? What about Bishop Robinson? Why do I have a Simon and Garfunkle tune in my head? Does it matter that the Catholics at CTS are more liberal than I am? Should I be afraid?
live blogging
I am doing all this in Bob's class. We are debating "time." What is the place of time in our worship? Sacraments. Yay. Chaos and Creation and Crusifixion and the Kingdom of Heaven (God?) are all rolled up into one eternal moment. It is something to think about here at Northern. It is a hard word to say the least. We are wrestling in all of this. How is all of creation redeemed in the Christ event? How are we redeemed? Does our act of worship enact or cause this? It is a good conversation.
A guy who attends Willow Creek is wrestling this out in a good way. He wants to know how creation is redeemed. He understands how humanity is redeemed. Yet he does not see how the rest of creation is redeemed. A good question coming from his end of the theological spectrum. Who can help him work it out? I have Romans 8:18-27 running through my head. "The whole of creation is eagerly waiting for God to reveal his [people]." It is tough. It is cool. It is true.
